Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
