Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
