I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
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