i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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