wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
