When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Randomize
