his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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