It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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