I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
