Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
