i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
