you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Randomize
