I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
