There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Randomize
