Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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