So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
