I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
