then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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