guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Randomize
