You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
