I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Randomize
