I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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