what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
