giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
