hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
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