he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
