Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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