I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
