I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
