Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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