bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
