Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
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