Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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