The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
