The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
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I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
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Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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