You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
