Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
