you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
