Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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