from now on my penis is your penis
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
