just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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