I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
