I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
