You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
