My underwear smells like fireworks.
this just has baby written all over it
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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