I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
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Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
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I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.