Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
People With No Siblings Will Never Understand These 23 Things
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
25 Seemingly Normal Things That Give Some People Massive Anxiety
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.