Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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