No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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