the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?