no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
These 29 Nasty People Went To The Bathroom In Public
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?