i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
