I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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