i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
