i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Randomize
