This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
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