you guys were way drunker than both of me
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
