im six kinds of drunk right now
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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