i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
