Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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