I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
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My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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