I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Randomize
