My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
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