Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
