im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
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Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize