I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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