I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
