Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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