then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
