Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Randomize
