That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
