So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
