they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
